Getting Up

I have never been a morning person. I have memories as a child of my sister popping out of bed easily (she still does), and my dad could frequently be heard singing Oh, What a Beautiful Morning! at the crack of dawn (out of tune, I might add), but I have always preferred to wake up slowly and ease into my day. However, as a teacher, I do not have that luxury except on the weekends. My alarm goes off at 5:20 am, and I need to get up after I've hit the snooze button just once or I will run late.

It's hard to get up that early in the winter when it's so dark outside. It's even harder when I awake to the uncertainties and responsibilities in my life right now. If I could, I would just stay in bed and keep sleeping in hopes of waking up to find this is all just a bad dream. If only...

Instead, once I'm awake the first thing I tell myself is Psalm 118:24:

This is the day the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Actually, it sounds like the way Keith Green sang it in my head. Oh, how I loved the music of Keith Green. Anyway, what it means to me is that today is a gift from God, and I will make the choice to begin it with joy - with a positive attitude.

But then my situation - our situation - confronts me with its cold, hard reality, and I feel a bit weak. Who wouldn't? So, I reflect on the strength available to me in Christ, and there are so many verses to affirm that truth. One of my favorites is Philippians 4:13. It's easy to remember and powerful:

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

And then I get up.

A Little Update

Thank you for your condolences about my grandma. I have many good memories of her. The last couple of years she had been in a private assisted living home for Alzheimer patients. It was a lovely, lovely home and she was lovingly cared for. I hadn't seen her since last January or February. She had gotten to the point where she really didn't remember anyone other than my dad and my uncle very well. The last time I saw her she was confused and distressed. I prefer to remember her great storytelling skills (she had a lifetime of stories she loved to tell), and her love for the Lord. She had endured many trials in her life, and she wasn't perfect by any means, but she had a rock solid faith, an incredible work ethic, and she loved her children and grandchildren to bits. Grandma Bunny and Tata had a nice friendship, and I'm sure they've reconnected in the presence of the Lord.

For Michael this week has been slightly better than last. He's been on the Afinitor since Friday, and I think we've noticed a small improvement in his overall sense of well being, but it's hard to tell. He's still having difficulty sleeping and eating, but he's got a good attitude. It's so hard to see him wasting away, and so I ply him with food every chance I get. He's been having more issues with acid reflux, and consequently it can be hard for him to keep food down. It's rough, I tell you.

Several friends have stopped by to visit this week already. I know Michael enjoys the company, but it tires him out and distracts him from eating. We're going to have to limit any visits in the near future to thirty minutes. That's hard to ask when some people have traveled an hour or more to see him, but it's what he needs right now. Last week we had a good visit from a pastor at my church, and I think that got Michael thinking about some spiritual matters. I've been praying with him before I leave for work in the morning - praying for physical healing and spiritual awakening.

Shortly after I leave for work, my mom arrives and cares for Michael until his mom gets here around noon. It's still hard to leave him, but at least I know he's in good hands.

Tomorrow Michael returns to UCLA for the CT scan of his scalp. That will determine the dimensions of the scalp lesions for his upcoming radiation therapy. While he's up there, he also going to have a blood test to determine the oxygen level in his blood. If it's below normal, then he will be able to start oxygen here at home.

I'm hanging in there. I don't like going to bed alone each night even though I sleep much better. I've shed more tears than I wanted to over that, but it's a hard thing to accept. I miss Michael's companionship before bedtime, too. He's just been so tired that by the time I get home he's dozing off and on. I miss him. However, I try to be as accepting of what's happening in our lives as possible. I just get up and do my best every day, and I pray that God will do what I cannot do.

Farewell, Grandma Bunny

Bernice Hammer Guiso Schnepf

December 14, 1920 - January 2, 2010

Bring on the New Year

The year of our Lord 2009, was the most difficult year of my life.

In January, Michael's hours at Disneyland were reduced from part-time year-round to part-time seasonal. We knew we were going to miss that steady income.

In February, Michael's sister suffered a stroke.

In March, we learned that our IVF had failed. Four little embryos full of our hopes and dreams fizzled in my womb. Thankfully, we have two frozen embryos so our hopes and dreams live on for now.

By May we knew that Michael had cancer, but it was unclear as to which cancer it was.

Come June, we were pretty sure it was renal cell carcinoma, and that was very scary as there is no cure.

In July, Michael had a radical left nephrectomy. The kidney and the tumor removed were about the size of a small football (11 cm). It's a wonder they were able to complete the surgery laparoscopically.

In September we learned that Michael's cancer was too aggressive and was spreading too quickly for him to undergo the HDIL-2 treatment. That was a real blow to us. He started Sutent on 9/11, and we immediately saw an improvement in his health.

In October my dear grandmother passed away after being diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer in June.

By the end of November, Michael's health was in decline once again and he began losing the precious pounds he had managed to put on the previous month.

In December we learned that the cancer was sprouting out of his scalp, and that Sutent was not as effective as it needed to be.

It has been a hard, hard year full of the kind of events "other people" deal with. How did this happen to us? Why now? What does the future hold? Lots of questions, and few answers.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

Clinging to that and His many promises as we head for the uncharted waters of 2010.

A Not-So-Goodnight

One of the things I enjoy the most about being married is going to bed with Michael every night. I'm not talking about sex, as there's been very little of that in the last year due to infertility and cancer, but it's still intimate and comforting to crawl into bed at the end of the day with the one you love and drift off to sleep. We always kiss goodnight, and in the morning we always cuddle. I'm sure we're not that much different than other happily married couples, but these little rituals make me happy.

But tonight will be the first night we don't share the same bed, and I am struggling with this. We purchased a mattress set for the back bedroom over the weekend and it was delivered today. Several minutes ago I tucked my husband into that new bed in hopes that if he were in another room I could sleep through the night. It was a mutual decision. He doesn't seem to mind at all. But I am torn up inside about it. I'm afraid it's going to lead to more separation - that we'll never have what we once had again.

This is getting to be really hard. I just want my healthy husband back.

Yesterday

Our time at UCLA was very productive. Michael's sister graciously went with us. She lives near UCLA, and so we picked her up on our way. It's good to have her along with us during our doctor appointments because another pair of ears always catches something we don't, and she's a good conversationalist so she keeps us entertained and distracted while we wait. I love my sister-in-law. She's very good to Michael and me, and it's nice to have a big sister around. Cathie is great at backing me up when Michael is resisting my healthy advice for him.

Dr. K saw us right away and he made a number of decisions to help Michael. The first thing he decided was that it is time to change Michael's medication from Sutent to Afinitor. It was obviously to all of us that the Sutent was no longer able to defeat the cancer. Afinitor works in the body differently than Sutent does, and Dr. K said he wanted something the cancer wouldn't recognize. The problem with Afinitor is that it has not been proven to work as long as Sutent can (for those patients it works for, that is). That really troubled me at first, but I'm just going to have to trust that it's enough for now and that it will be effective. Michael complained about how difficult it is for him to get a deep breath anymore, and Dr. K admitted that there is much cancer in his lungs - particularly the right lung. Thus the coughing. Afinitor is known to increase cholesterol levels, so he strongly advised a low-fat diet from now on. That's better for me because I'd like to lose some weight, but Michael needs to gain weight - he weighed in at 145 pounds a day or two ago. Sigh...

The doctor examined Michael's scalp lesions and decided that it was time to begin radiation therapy for that. He had his assistant set up a consultation for us that very day, but before we saw the radiologist he examined Michael's finger and said that he didn't think that it was cancer, but that it was an infection. He then had one of his urological surgeons come in the room and lance Michael's finger. The purpose was to relieve some of the pressure in the finger that was so painful. They did send off a specimen to the lab for analysis. I held Michael's hand while he got poked and prodded, and Cathie distracted us with a good story. It was over before we knew it, and the doctor bandaged Michael up, and he was prescribed an antibiotic.

After that, we went downstairs to the radiation department for our consultation. We first met with the intern or resident doctor (I can't remember). He was such a nice young man. It's heartwarming to see these young men and women learning how to practice medicine. The ones we've encountered are so compassionate and obviously dedicated. A teaching hospital has a very different vibe from what we were used to at Hoag. Anyway, after he interviewed Michael he left the room briefly and came back with his attending doctor who discussed the treatment plan with us. Once we get approval from our insurance company (probably today or tomorrow), Michael will have a CT scan of the head. The doctors need to know the dimensions of the lesions before they start the radiation. After that, Michael will begin a ten-day radiation treatment. The doctors said it would be painless and very effective at eliminating the lesions and the pain, but they also said the Michael would end up with a bald patch - albeit temporarily. We think that we'll be able to get in for the CT scan this week, and that Michael will begin the radiation treatments as early as Monday next week.

To combat the pain Michael has been experiencing, he was prescribed Oxycodone. The radiologist recommended using Ibuprofen whenever possible as there are unpleasant side effects from using narcotic drugs too frequently. Good to know.

Michael took the Oxycodone last night, and we had a better night's rest than we've had in a while. We also propped him up on a couple of pillows because I've noticed that he's able to breathe better and that he coughs less when he's upright. Cathie recommended one of those wedge pillows to help with that, too. I'm going to have to shop for one this week. On Sunday we purchased a twin mattress set for the back bedroom. My mom and I have started clearing the room out to make room for the bed which will be delivered tomorrow. I had a lot of giftcards to Target that I used to purchase some really nice bedding, and we will use that bed on work nights when I have to get more rest to get through my day in the classroom. My mom is coming back up today to continue that project with me. We are also going to tackle the patio room, and Michael has said that he will work with his brother (in a supervisory role) to get rid of some more things he has stored in the garage so that we can store some of these other things that are coming out of the house. My goal for the patio room is to be able to get a treadmill in there so I can exercise without leaving the house. I'm trying to take care of myself while I take care of Michael, too.

Looking forward to when I go back to work next week, I can see that Michael will need to have family and friends stopping by once again on a daily basis while I am at work. Mostly because we need to make sure he gets a midday meal. I think I will have to start cooking with my mom or my sister again on the weekends to have a full refrigerator of lunch and dinner choices. This is going to require a lot of planning and organizing, and I can see that we're going to need help to do it all. If you're a friend or family member of ours and you have the time and the heart to help, please let us know.

So, there you have it. Thank you for continuing to lift us up in prayer for physical healing and spiritual awakening. I know God is right here in all of this, and that he will bring about something good from this mess. A couple of verses I'm clinging to right now are:

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart

and do not rely on your own insight.

In all of your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Do not fear for I am with you,

do not be afraid for I am your God;

I will strengthen you, I will help you,

I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Uncertainty

Life seems very uncertain right now. Michael is not doing well. We haven't slept well in such a long time because of his cough. He coughs in part because he cannot get a deep breath. The cancer is constricting his airways.

He is having difficulty eating, too. Even his favorite foods don't appeal to him, and he eats just because I nag him to.

The pain in his head and his finger are unbearable at times.

His spirits are low.

I just watched my grandmother succumb to cancer a few short months ago. Too much of this reminds me of her experience right now.

We are going to UCLA today, and I am hopeful we will get some help.

I am hanging on to my faith in the One, and I am trying to be more direct in sharing my faith with Michael. It is difficult to be a believer in Jesus Christ and to watch your loved one suffer without the strength, peace, and promise available in the Lord. If you don't believe as I do, then you cannot understand what I'm talking about. It's a spiritual transaction. I just want that for my husband so badly. I wish this were happening to me instead because what I have in Christ cannot be taken from me by cancer, or anything else for that matter.

Please don't comment if you want to challenge me theologically. This is not the time or the place for that. But, if you are a believer please lift us up in prayer. Please pray for physical healing and spiritual awakening.